Today I listened to a friend talk about the difficulties of keeping her recovery program going after she moved to a new area.
From what my patients tell me, this is a common problem. Last week I had yet another patient say that her relapse started when she moved to this area from another state. She had more than eight years of good recovery, but when she moved to North Carolina, she stopped doing all the things that previously made up her recovery program: 12-step meetings, calling a sponsor, and helping other addicts. Gradually, staying clean off alcohol and other drugs lost its priority, and addiction was a distant memory. She listened to the old lie of addiction: she could use drugs now, and it would be different. Her disease told her she’d been clean so long, she knew how to keep from going back to active addiction.
This was, of course, not true. I saw this patient shortly after she lost her job because of intravenous opioid addiction.
Why does moving to a new area seem to begin a downward slide toward relapse for some people?
My friend in recovery who just moved was able to describe it to me. She says it’s a starting over process, and she feels like she’s on the outside. She feels like she did when she was a newcomer to meetings. She misses the feeling of being at home in meetings, surrounded by people she knows who love her. She says getting involved in meetings in a new area is the hardest thing she’s ever done, more difficult than coming to meetings for the first time.
She says, “I’ve done this before, and I think to myself this should be easy. It took me by surprise. The loneliness is super-dangerous. I have these dangerous feelings, like I don’t belong. It’s just like my first few months of recovery, except now I keep thinking that it should be easier, and I shouldn’t be having these feelings. In early recovery, I had that gift of desperation. I was acutely aware that the drugs brought me to that point and I had to come to meetings to stay clean. I had willingness to do whatever it took. Now I don’t feel that desperate, and have a hard time making myself go to meetings. It’s hard as hell.”
“Plus, I don’t know who in these new meetings is working a program of recovery, and whose life is just full of drama. I don’t know who the winners are. And the formats are different, though I like them. They have topic meetings and everyone who shares stays on the topic!”
My friend seems to be doing better than she’s feeling. The last I saw her, she was surrounding by laughter and hugs. She says she’s getting through this difficult time by sharing about her feelings, and listening to the experience of other recovering people who have moved to a new area and new meetings. She stays in touch with her old friends from previous meetings, and travels the four hours to visit these friends once or twice per month during her transition.
I think my friend will be fine, so long as she continues to do what she needs to. Going to new meetings is difficult and staying at home would be easier, but not in the long run. Given the havoc addiction has caused in her life, she’s not willing to risk a relapse with all the heartache it brings.