Archive for the ‘12-Step Recovery’ Category

Those of Us Who Lie


 

 

 

I’ve written this blog article several times. I deleted one version because it sounded too mean, and another version because it was too shallow and unrealistic. It’s a difficult subject. Talking about people with substance use disorder who lie has potential to feel accusatory and judgmental, but lying is part of the behavior of people in active addiction.

Some medical professionals see lying as a character flaw and prefer not to treat patients with addiction because of this trait. They feel patients with substance use disorders lie more than patients with other disorders. I’m not sure that’s necessarily true, since I remember lies of patients I treated when I worked in Internal Medicine: “Yes, I always take my blood pressure medication,” stated by a patient whose pharmacist called me to say she hadn’t picked up her refills for several months. Then there’s me: “Oh yes, I floss every day,” said to my dentist, who can clearly see I don’t floss daily.

We all lie. If we say we don’t, then we are…lying, at least to ourselves. Most lies are based in fear. We’re afraid we’ll appear to be irresponsible, or careless. We don’t want others to think we are bad people. We lie because we’re afraid we won’t get what we want. We’re afraid of the consequences that may occur if we tell the truth. We lie because we don’t want to disappoint other people, or because we feel shame.

With addiction, fear is amplified. Patients with addiction are afraid of so many things: running out of drugs, running out of money to buy drugs, physical consequences of using drugs, what friends and family will think if their drug use becomes known. Many addicts fear they are becoming bad people because they act in ways that violate their own values. They find themselves doing things like neglecting family or stealing in order to satisfy the addiction. So they lie.

Addiction needs lies to survive. A person with an addiction can’t get money for pills from a loved one if he says it’s going to purchase drugs, but he may be successful if he says it’s for food. If he tells family and friends how many drugs he is using, it’s likely he will encounter some opposition, making it harder for him to keep using drugs.

Lies are part of substance use disorders.

Sometimes what appears to be a lie is really denial. Denial occurs when a person has convinced himself something is true when it isn’t. In addiction treatment, denial is common. Here’s one example:

I was seeing a patient in one of the opioid treatment centers about her urine drug screens. Six out of the seven since admission to the methadone program were positive for cocaine.

“I’d like to talk about your cocaine use. Can you tell me a bit about why you use, what triggers cravings to use?”

“I don’t use cocaine. I hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel, all tired and depressed when I wake up the next day. It’s awful stuff. It’s from the devil.”

“OK, you’re saying you don’t use cocaine?”

“I don’t. I don’t use it at all. I stopped using it.”

“Um…, but how long has it been since you stopped?”

“I quit years ago, but I did slip up and use just a little bit the other day.”

“I’m getting confused. You’re saying you quit years ago, but used cocaine the other day. Let’s look at your drug screens. Almost all of them have been positive over the last six months, and I see where you have talked to your counselor about it four or five times. In her notes it says you denied any use. We sent off one of the urine samples for a second, more exact test, and it still showed cocaine. How can you explain this? Is it possible you’re really using more than you think you do?”

“That one time I was helping my boyfriend package it. He’s a coke dealer. I don’t agree with all that. I’m going to break up with him.”

I don’t think this patient was lying. I think she was in denial, and a part of her couldn’t accept the extent of her cocaine use. Denial needs to be treated as part of substance use disorders.

Addiction isn’t the only disease with denial. When I worked in primary care, I’ve seen advanced cancers in patients who were in denial about the severity of their symptoms. Patients with serious chest pain ignored their symptoms until having a massive heart attack. With any problem, one of our defenses against facing a difficult situation may be to deny it exists.

A few decades ago, harsh confrontation was felt to be necessary when dealing with denial in drug addicts. Now we know we get better results with gentler, more positive counseling approaches. For example, I’ve read Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change, by Miller and Rollnick, third edition. I loved the second edition, which gave me ideas about how to change my goal from confronting to collaborating. This edition is even better. It’s giving me tools to help move patients from denial at their own pace. This feels more humane than old methods of yelling at patients, who already are turning away from unpleasant truths.

This method can also be used with patients who are intentionally lying.

Just because a person with addiction enters treatment, lying doesn’t automatically stop. Habits are hard to break, and people in treatment may lie when it’s just as easy to tell the truth, merely out of habit. Then there are incentives to lie in treatment settings. For example, if treatment is court-ordered, a patient in treatment may face jail time if she admits to a relapse. If a patient’s children have been taken by social services, admitting to continued drug use or even to a relapse may delay getting his children back.

Particularly in opioid addiction treatment, patients have incentives to lie in part due to the extensive regulations put in place by the state and federal governments. Some of those regulations are in place to keep the patient safe, and some are to protect against diversion of methadone onto the local black market. Patients in treatment may lose take home doses if they are truthful about drug use.

Even if take homes aren’t at stake, many patients don’t like to talk about relapses, and lie about their drug use. Patients may fear their counselor will belittle or shame them for using drugs. Again, methods like Motivation Interviewing can help the counselor be more collaborative than confrontational. The counselor can have the approach of let’s look at this relapse and learn from it what we can, in order to help you in the future. When a patient admits to drug use, that’s a good thing. Now we’ve got something to work on. That means the patient is facing their disease, and we can now work on relapse triggers. We can track the events leading up to drug use, and the patient can decide if they would do anything differently the next time, if in the same circumstances.

Some patients cleverly say that if they always tell the truth about drug use, they should be rewarded for their honesty by not having any consequences for drug use. For example, a patient who had been in methadone treatment for about three weeks told me he was drinking his Sunday take home bottle on Saturday. I was alarmed, because I feared he could have an overdose death. I told him I was glad he told me, but that I couldn’t give him a take home dose for Sundays in view of that. He was angry and felt he was being punished for being truthful, while my main concern was a possible overdose death if he continued to get take homes.

I use a phrase from Ronald Reagan in my work with people in treatment for addiction: Trust, but verify. I can’t take everything that is told to me at face value. I’d prefer to believe all my patient all of the time, but they have this disease which leads them to lie. When patient safety is at issue, I have to confirm what the patient tells me with other facts, like clinical observation, patient history, and drug screens.

I’ve learned I can’t reliably tell when someone is lying. Years ago I foolishly thought I was really good at detecting lies, but I’ve been wrong so many times that I no longer make that assumption. Even lie detector machines are often wrong, which is why they aren’t admissible in court.

I’m learning not to take lies personally. Lying is part of addiction, and old habits don’t stop right away. How I react to a patient’s lie is more about me than about the patient. Lies sometimes still make me angry, and this happens more often when I’m not in a good place myself. I try to pay attention to my own physical, mental, and spiritual health. When I’m healthy I’m more likely to view people who lie (not only my patients) with more calm and acceptance.

I understand lies because I understand fear. If I come from a self-righteous place in my own heart where I believe I never lie, I am likely to judge another person who lies. So I’m no paragon of truthfulness myself, but I am a work in progress, as we all are.

 

 

Happy, Joyous, and Free…

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Avid readers of my blog will recognize the following as a re-run, but I’m feeling under the weather this week, from a virus that’s been circulating in the community:

 

JB: Please tell me about your experience with pain pill addiction and your experiences with buprenorphine (Suboxone).

XYZ: For me, my opiate addiction got so bad, I was taking two hundred and forty to three hundred and twenty milligrams of OxyContin per day, just to stay normal. It had gotten really, really bad. And it started out with a reason. I had kidney stones, and I was in all this pain, but then it got to the point where it solved some other problems in my life and it got out of hand. I tried a lot of different things. I went to detox, and they helped me, but it was…it was almost like I never came out of withdrawal.

JB: How long were you off pain pills?

XYZ: Even after being clean for thirty or sixty days, I would still feel bad. Bowels, stomach…really all the time.

JB: Did it feel like acute withdrawal or just low grade withdrawal?

XYZ: No…I’d try to fix it myself, sometimes, and I would just put myself back where I was. It got to the point where I was making myself sicker and sicker and sicker. And then I got off of it, and stayed off of it for a hundred and twenty days, I guess…but still just sick. Just miserable, and not feeling right. I was miserable. I wouldn’t eat, I was losing weight…

It [buprenorphine] gave me something that replaced whatever was going on in my head physically, with the receptors. It took that [prolonged withdrawal] away, to the point that I felt well. All that energy I would spend getting pills…and I was going to the doctors almost daily. Because taking that much medicine, nobody would write me for that much, so I had to doctor shop.

My only life was going to the doctors, figuring out what pharmacy I could use. I had a whole system of how many days it could be between prescriptions, what pharmacy to go to. It was sick. I was just trying to not get sick.

JB: And you were working during that time?

XYZ: Yeah! I was working, if you want to call it that. I wasn’t a very good employee, but I held a job. I was a regional vice president for “X” company. I traveled a lot, so I had new states where I could see new doctors. That was bad. When I came off the road, I owed $50,000 in credit card bills.

JB: And your wife didn’t know about it?

XYZ: No. It all came tumbling down. And I had gotten into trouble, because they were company credit cards, and they wanted the money back! So, all of the sudden my wife found out that not only do I have a pain pill problem, but we’re $50,000 short, and I wasn’t very ethical in the way I got the money, because it really wasn’t my credit, it was my company’s credit card.

JB: So addiction made you do things you wouldn’t do otherwise?

XYZ: Absolutely. I lied to people, I took money from people, I ran up credit cards tens of thousands of dollars, and really put my family in serious jeopardy at that time. But buprenorphine took away that whole obsessive-compulsive need for pills, made me feel better, and took away all the withdrawal symptoms at the same time. I didn’t worry about it. To be honest, I was such a hypochondriac before. I haven’t been sick in years now. I haven’t had a backache or headache that ibuprofen didn’t cure [since starting recovery]. I was fortunate it was all in my head. I would milk any little thing. I had two knee operations that probably could have been healed through physical therapy, but I was all for surgery, because I knew I’d get pain pills.

JB: That’s the power of addiction!

XYZ:  Yes. Finally I did some research about buprenorphine, online. Actually, I had some good family members, who did some research and brought it to me, because they were concerned for me, and they brought it to me and said, “Hey, there’s a medicine that can help. Call this number,” and I found places out there that would do it [meaning Suboxone], but my concern was the speed that a lot of them were doing it. A lot of them said, OK come in, and we can evaluate you, and after a week you’ll be down to this, and after a month you’ll be down to this.

This was in 2005. And when I asked them what their success rate is, it wasn’t very high. It was something like twenty percent of the people who were doing it [succeeded]. So when I’d finally gotten a hold of “X,” [receptionist for Dr. H], she saved my life over the phone. Because she said, you can come tomorrow, and she said that whatever it takes, they’ll work with you. And I felt good about going to a place where it wasn’t already determined how long it would take. Because I already knew how I was feeling after I would come off of opiates. I didn’t want to do that again.

I saw Dr. H. and felt better within twenty-four hours, although it took a little while to get the dosage right. I think we started off at a lower dose, then we went up on the dose and it kept me so level. I had no symptoms. It cured my worst withdrawal symptoms, my stomach and my bowels.

There’s always a kind of stigma in the rooms [12-step recovery meetings] because I’d been in NA for a little bit of time then [he’s speaking of stigma against medication-assisted treatment]. You realize who [among addicts in NA] is die-hard, one way to do recovery, and who is willing to be educated about some things and understand that there’s more than one way to skin a cat. And I was fortunate that I had a sponsor at that time, and still do, who was willing to learn about what exactly it was, and not make me feel guilty about it. It wasn’t necessarily the way he would do it, but he was a cocaine addict, so he didn’t understand that whole part of it.

He said, “Your family’s involved, you’ve got a doctor that’s involved, your doctor knows your history. If all these people, who are intelligent, think this is an OK thing, then who am I to say it’s not going to work?” He was open-minded. And there are not a lot of people I would trust right off the bat [in recovery], that I would tell them. [that he’s taking Suboxone]. I’ve shared it with some people who’ve had a similar problem, and told them, here’s something that might help you. I always preface it with, [don’t do] one thing or another, you’ve got to do them together. You have to have a recovery program and take this medicine, because together it will work. Look at me. I’m a pretty good success story.

One of my best friends in Florida called me, and I got him to go see a doctor down there, and he’s doing well now. He’s been on it almost eleven months now and no relapses.

To me, it takes away the whole mental part of it, because you don’t feel bad. For me, it was the feeling bad that drove me back to taking something [opioids] again. Obviously, when you’re physically feeling bad, you’re mentally feeling bad, too. It makes you depressed, and all of that, so you avoid doing fun things, because you don’t feel good.

Once I trained myself with NA, how to get that portion of my life together, to use those tools, not having any kind of physical problems made it that much easier to not obsess.

JB: So, how has your life improved, as a result of being on buprenorphine?

XYZ: Well, the most important thing for me is that I’ve regained the trust of my family. I was the best liar and manipulator there was. I’d like to think of myself as a pretty ethical and honest person, in every aspect of my life, other than when it came to taking pills.

JB: So, you regained the trust of your family, felt physically better…

XYZ: I gained my life back! Fortunately, I had enough of a brain left to know it had to stop. Once I started on buprenorphine, it gave me back sixteen hours a day that I was wasting. That’s when I decided I really don’t want to jeopardize my recovery, by going out and looking for a job again [he means a job in corporate America, like he had in the past], because I’ve got this thing, this stigma…they’re going to check a reference and I’m screwed. I’m not going to get a job doing what I was doing for the same amount of money.

My brother had enough faith in me that it was worth the risk of starting this business [that he has now] together. My wife and I started on EBay, making and selling [his product], and slowly grew it to the point that, three years later, I’m going to do over two million dollars in sales this year, I’ve got [large company] as a client, I’ve got [large company] as a client, I’m doing stuff locally, in the community now, and can actually give things back to the community.

JB: And you employ people in recovery?

XYZ: Oh, yeah. I employ other recovering addicts I know I can trust. I’ve helped some people out who have been very, very successful and have stayed clean, and I’ve helped some people out who came and went, but at the same time, I gave them a chance. You can only do so much for somebody. They have to kind of want to do it themselves too, right?

JB: Have you ever had any bad experiences in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, as far as being on Suboxone, or do you just not talk to anybody about it?

XYZ: To be honest, I don’t broadcast it, obviously, and the only other people I would talk to about it would be somebody else who was an opioid addict, who was struggling, who was in utter misery. The whole withdrawal process…not only does it take a little while, but all that depression, the body [feels bad]. So I’ve shared with those I’ve known fairly well. I share my experience with them. I won’t necessarily tell people I don’t know well that I’m taking buprenorphine, but I will let them know about the medication. Even though the information is on the internet, a lot of it is contradictory.

It’s been great [speaking of Suboxone] for someone like me, who’s been able to put a life back together in recovery. I’d tell anybody, who’s even considering taking Suboxone, if they’re a true opioid pill addict, (I don’t know about heroin, I haven’t been there), once you get to the right level [meaning dose], it took away all of that withdrawal. And if you combine it with going to meetings, you’ll fix your head at the same time. Really. I didn’t have a job, unemployable, my family was…for a white collar guy, I was about as low as I could go, without being on the street. Fortunately I came from a family that probably wouldn’t let that happen, at that point, but who knows, down the road… I had gotten to my low. And that’s about it, that’s about as much as I could have taken.

It [Suboxone] truly and honestly gave me my entire life back, because it took that away.

JB: What do you say to treatment centers that say, if you’re still taking methadone or Suboxone, you’re not in “real” recovery? What would you say to those people?

XYZ: To me, I look at taking Suboxone like I look at taking high blood pressure medicine, OK? It’s not mind altering, it’s not giving me a buzz, it’s not making…it’s simply fixing something I broke in my body, by abusing the hell out of it, by taking all those pain pills.

I know it’s hard for an average person, who thinks about addicts, “You did it to yourself, too bad, you shouldn’t have done that in the first place,” to be open minded. But you would think the treatment centers, by now, have seen enough damage that people have done to themselves to say, “Here’s something that we have proof that works…..”

I function normally. I get up early in the morning. I have a relationship with my wife now, after all of this, and she trusts me again. Financially, I’ve fixed all my problems, and have gotten better. I have a relationship with my kids. My wife and I were talking about it the other day. If I had to do it all over again, would I do it the way I did it? And the answer is, absolutely yes. As much as it sucked and as bad as it was, I would have still been a nine to five drone out there in corporate America, and never had the chance to do what I do. I go to work…this is dressy for me [indicating that he’s dressed in shorts and a tee shirt]

JB: So life is better now than it was before the addiction?

XYZ: It really is. Tenfold! I’m home for my kids. I wouldn’t have had the courage to have left a hundred thousand dollar a year job to start up my own business. I had to do something. Fortunately, I was feeling good enough because of it [Suboxone], to work really hard at it, like I would have if I started it as a kid. At forty years old, to go out and do something like that…

JB: Like a second career.

XYZ: It’s almost like two lives for me. And if you’re happy, nothing else matters. I would have been a miserable, full time manager, out there working for other people and reaping the benefits for them and getting my little paycheck every week and traveling, and not seeing my wife and kids, and not living as well as I do now.

I joke, and say that I work part time now, because when I don’t want to work, I don’t have to work. And when I want to work, I do work. And there are weeks that I do a lot. But then, on Saturday, we’re going to the beach. I rented a beach house Monday through Saturday, with just me and my wife and our two kids. I can spend all my time with them. I could never have taken a vacation with them like that before.

JB: Do you have anything you’d like to tell the people who make drug addiction treatment policy decisions in this nation? Anything you want them to know?

XYZ: I think it’s a really good thing they increased the amount of patients you [meaning doctors prescribing Suboxone] can take on. I’d tell the people who make the laws to find out from the doctors…how did you come up with the one hundred patient limit? What should that number be? And get it to that number, so it could help more people. And if there’s a way to get it cheaper, because the average person can’t afford it.

The main thing I’d tell them is I know it works. I’m pretty proud of what I’ve achieved. And I wouldn’t have been able to do that, had I not had the help of Suboxone. It took me a little while to get over thinking it was a crutch. But at this point, knowing that I’ve got everybody in my corner, they’re understanding what’s going on…it’s a non-issue. It’s like I said, it’s like getting up and taking a high blood pressure medicine.

I originally interviewed this patient in 2009, for a book that I wrote. Since that time, he and his family have moved to the west coast, but I’ve stayed in contact with him. He’s been in relapse-free recovery for over eight years, he’s still on Suboxone, and still happy. He has excellent relationships with his wife and children, and his business has thrived and continues to grow.

He’s an excellent example of how a recovering addict’s life can change with the right treatment. For this person, Suboxone plus 12-step recovery worked great.

 

“We will not regret, nor wish to shut the door on it.”

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“We will not regret, nor wish to shut the door on it.”

This was a tough blog to write. I want to thread the needle; I want to relate some solid help from 12-step recovery sources without angering some of my faithful readers who become angry with any mention of 12 step recovery.

So you’ve been warned.

I know 12-step recovery isn’t for everyone. Some people tell of bad experiences with 12-step groups. And I know millions of people have been helped by these groups, too. So take what you like from this blog entry, leave the rest, and if you read something helpful, I’ll be happy. If not, try again next week because my topics fluctuate.

I talk to many recovering addicts who voice regrets about their past. The stories vary; the patients’ main theme is regret for behavior during active addiction. I understand those feelings, and feel tempted to tell patients how to deal with these feelings… but I don’t say anything, for fear that I’ll sound too “preachy.” Who am I to tell someone that they can examine past regrets, learn from previous mistakes, make amends when needed, and face the future with a clean slate? Isn’t that a conversation for a priest, imam, rabbi, or pastor?

Yes, it is. And yet, this person is in my office. Many times my patients tell me they feel unworthy to join or rejoin a religious community, and feel judged by such groups. Some of my patients’ perceptions could be colored by their own shame, but I fear many of them are accurate in their perceptions. Addiction is still regarded as a sin by some religious groups. Other groups know addiction isn’t a sin but a disease, which can cause us to do and say things we regret, which are contrary to our values

Twelve step groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have mechanisms for dealing with past regrets and ruptured relationships. These groups didn’t invent anything new. They use the same approach as other spiritual and religious groups, which are also sound psychological advice. However, the twelve steps provide a handy framework for handling regrets.

First, in Step 4, the recovering person assesses past behavior, called a “moral inventory” in recovery parlance.  That inventory is shared with themselves (ending denial), another trusted person, and the god of their understanding. Patterns of behavior emerge, giving information to be used in steps 6 and 7, where the person becomes willing to give up old behavior and ask the god of their understanding for help with this.

In step 8, the recovering person lists the people he has harmed while in active addiction. With the aid of a sponsor or trusted spiritual advisor, in Step 9 the recovering person makes plans for how best to make up for past behavior.

Amends can be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry,” to someone for past bad behavior, or amends can be more extended, like resolving to be fully emotionally present for loved ones.

Sometimes direct amends aren’t possible, if the person has moved away, died, or unable to be located. A more general amends can be made instead. For example, if a person shoplifted to support their addiction, it may be impossible to remember where and what was stolen. Part of the amends process is not to repeat the old behavior, but a more general amends may involve volunteering in the same community to help society in some way, like donating to a food bank or giving time to help a child in need.

If the recovering person feels guilty about stealing money, amends may include apologizing for the past behavior, and making a plan of re-payment. For example, I know a person in recovery now for over 16 years who sends a check for $25 each month to a governmental agency to whom he owned money after a criminal conviction. He may never get the full amount paid off, but he’s taking action to fix what he broke.

Addiction taught harsh lessons that came at exorbitant prices, so we should learn from past mistakes. Recovering people can move forward by planning amends for past actions, but also should consult a sponsor or spiritual guide for help. For example, if an addict stole money from a drug dealer, it should not be paid back, especially if it puts the recovering addict at risk. In some situations, the best amends may mean having no contact with the other person.

Some recovering addicts have long lists of bad behavior to make amends for, and other recovering addicts’ lists may contain only a few people. Many addicts harmed only their immediate family, by not being completely emotionally available to their spouses or children during their addiction. Some recovering people feel just as bad about that as others feel about committing armed robbery for drug money.

The point of amends isn’t how bad the behavior was, but how the recovering person feels, and how he can leave behind guilt and shame and move forward.

Addiction, like some other diseases, affects behavior. Rather than living with regrets, recovery means facing regrets, learning from them, fixing what we can, and then moving on. It doesn’t matter what you call it: making amends, cleaning your side of the street, getting right with the god of your understanding, or some other term.

 

September is National Recovery Month!

recovery

September is National Recovery Month, so it’s a good time to come back from my blogging break. Following are some things that recovery means to me, and I hope my readers will write in with their own definition of recovery.

Recovery means…

….taking the worst and most embarrassing thing in my life and turning it into my greatest asset.

….becoming less judgmental of other people.

….remaining teachable.

….having more free time, after the burden of looking for the “next one” has been lifted.

…looking in the mirror, and feeling content at what I see.

….being satisfied with the small pleasures in life.

….developing a thicker skin for judgmental people. They aren’t going to ruin my day.

….re-connecting with the human race.

….re-connecting with the God of my understanding.

…reconnecting with myself.

….doing what I need to do for my well-being, even if other people don’t approve.

….being happy when I make progress, no longer expecting perfection.

….understanding it’s more important what I think of me than what other people think of me.

….talking frequently with other people who share my passion for recovery.

Recovery goes beyond 12-step programs or medication-assisted treatment. Recovery can apply to issues other than drug addiction. It can apply to eating disorders, co-dependency, gambling problems, sex addiction, or any other compulsive activity that is bad for our health. We can be in good recovery in one area of our life and be in active addiction in other areas. We have good and bad days. We relapse, and we try again, and we stop listening to the voice of addiction that tells us we should give up because we will always fail. We learn from our failures and come to look at them as opportunities for growth. We turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones. We lift up our fellow travelers when they weaken and they do the same for us.

We do recover.

 

Recovery Rocks

Recovery Means…

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It’s nearly Thanksgiving, so to celebrate, I wanted to re-run a post about what recovery means to me. Hopefully my readers can add to this list:

Recovery means…

….taking the worst and most embarrassing thing in my life and turning it into my greatest asset.

….becoming less judgmental of other people.

….remaining teachable.

….having more free time, after the burden of looking for the “next one” has been lifted.

…looking in the mirror, and feeling content at what I see.

….being satisfied with the small pleasures in life.

….developing a thicker skin for judgmental people. They aren’t going to ruin my day.

….re-connecting with the human race.

….re-connecting with the God of my understanding.

…reconnecting with myself.

….doing what I need to do for my well-being, even if other people don’t approve.

….being happy when I make progress, no longer expecting perfection.

….talking frequently with other people who share my passion for recovery.

Recovery goes beyond 12-step programs or medication-assisted treatment. Recovery can apply to issues other than drug addiction. It can apply to eating disorders, co-dependency, gambling problems, sex addiction, or any other compulsive activity that is bad for our health. We can be in good recovery in one area of our life and be in active addiction in other areas. We have good and bad days. We relapse, and we try again, and we stop listening to the voice of addiction that tells us we should give up because we will always fail. We learn from our failures and come to look at them as opportunities for growth. We turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones. We lift up our fellow travelers when they weaken and they do the same for us.

We do recover.

 

Peaceful Coexistence

aaaagetting along

For years, I’ve asserted that patients on medication-assisted treatment for opioid addiction can find benefits in twelve step recovery meetings. Many of my readers have disagreed with me, vehemently at times. I was surprised and pleased when one of them forwarded me a reference to an article in the Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment that showed participation in 12-step recovery increased retention in buprenorphine treatment. (Thank you Zac). Of note, coercing patients to attend 12-step meetings was not found to be helpful. [1]

I know 12-step meetings work for my buprenorphine patients because I’ve seen it. However, I do think I have unusual patient population in my office-based buprenorphine practice.

I inherited many of my patients from a doctor for whom I worked for several years, until he retired in 2010. He was well-known and well-respected in the recovery community of the city where we worked.

Some people, already in recovery from alcohol addiction, were members of Alcoholic Anonymous when they sought treatment for chronic or acute pain conditions. These patients were prescribed opioids for pain by doctors who underestimated the risk of developing opioid addiction, in these patients with a personal history of addiction to another substance. Some of these patients were dismayed to discover they developed addiction to opioid pain pills, meaning they were misusing them by taking too many and running out early, or having obsessions and compulsions to take ever more pills.

Baffled and angry, those patient sought care from my doctor friend. He started buprenorphine and got them off the pain pills, and directed them back into 12-step recovery.

When he retired, I was fortunate that many of them followed me to my new practice.

Around twenty-five percent of my office-based buprenorphine patients are in this category. Most still go to 12-step meetings, though the frequency of meeting attendance varies widely. Some patients go a few times a month, and some a few times per week. I have one patient who goes two times per day. My patients have varying levels of attachment to the 12-step meetings and their participation at the meetings. All of them say they learn and are reminded of important tools of recovery. They say applying concepts like acceptance, tolerance, and kindness enhances the quality of their lives.

These patients, with very few exceptions, are doing very well in their recovery. They are also delightful people.

For these patients, being on medication like buprenorphine has stopped being as issue. Most of them say they know their recovery is better since starting buprenorphine. They don’t tell people they’re on medication, but neither do they hide it. They don’t really care what other members of 12-step meetings think about their medication; it works for them and improves the quality of their lives, while not causing euphoria or the compulsion to take more and more of their medication.

Let’s present 12-step programs as options for our medication-assisted treatment patients on methadone or buprenorphine. As this study shows, and as I see in my own practice, these two options can benefit our patients. Also, as I tell my patients, you can’t beat the price of 12-step meetings, since they are free.

I know 12-step fellowships aren’t for everyone. Though 12-step fellowships don’t endorse one religion over another, these fellowships are intensely spiritual. Not all people are comfortable with such things, or are uninterested in the spiritual side of life. But for those who don’t object to spirituality, or even enjoy or embrace it, 12-step meetings can be a haven of recovery.

1. Monico et al, “Buprenorphine Treatment and 12-step Meeting Attendance: Conflicts, Compatibilities, and Patient Outcomes,” Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, May, 2015.

Combining Medication-Assisted Treatment and 12- Step recovery: One Patient’s Success Story

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A few weeks ago, I posted a few articles about 12-step recovery. Several readers became very upset, even saying that if I was pro-12-step, I couldn’t really be an advocate for medicated-assisted treatment of opioid addiction. That’s their opinion, and I honor their views, though I heartily disagree with them.

Now I’d like to present an interview I did with a very successful Suboxone patient who did find help from 12-step meetings.

JB: Please tell me about your experience with pain pill addiction and your experiences with buprenorphine (Suboxone).

XYZ: For me, my opiate addiction got so bad, I was taking two hundred and forty to three hundred and twenty milligrams of OxyContin per day, just to stay normal. It had gotten really, really bad. And it started out with a reason. I had kidney stones, and I was in all this pain, but then it got to the point where it solved some other problems in my life and it got out of hand. I tried a lot of different things. I went to detox, and they helped me, but it was…it was almost like I never came out of withdrawal.

JB: How long were you off pain pills?

XYZ: Even after being clean for thirty or sixty days, I would still feel bad. Bowels, stomach…really all the time.

JB: Did it feel like acute withdrawal or just low grade withdrawal?

XYZ: No…I’d try to fix it myself, sometimes, and I would just put myself back where I was. It got to the point where I was making myself sicker and sicker and sicker. And then I got off of it, and stayed off of it for a hundred and twenty days, I guess…but still just sick. Just miserable, and not feeling right. I was miserable. I wouldn’t eat, I was losing weight…

It [buprenorphine] gave me something that replaced whatever was going on in my head physically, with the receptors. It took that [prolonged withdrawal] away, to the point that I felt well. All that energy I would spend getting pills…and I was going to the doctors almost daily. Because taking that much medicine, nobody would write me for that much, so I had to doctor shop.

My only life was going to the doctors, figuring out what pharmacy I could use. I had a whole system of how many days it could be between prescriptions, what pharmacy to go to. It was sick. I was just trying to not get sick.

JB: And you were working during that time?

XYZ: Yeah! I was working, if you want to call it that. I wasn’t a very good employee, but I held a job. I was a regional vice president for “X” company. I traveled a lot, so I had new states where I could see new doctors. That was bad. When I came off the road, I owed $50,000 in credit card bills.

JB: And your wife didn’t know about it?

XYZ: No. It all came tumbling down. And I had gotten into trouble, because they were company credit cards, and they wanted the money back! So, all of the sudden my wife found out that not only do I have a pain pill problem, but we’re $50,000 short, and I wasn’t very ethical in the way I got the money, because it really wasn’t my credit, it was my company’s credit card.

JB: So addiction made you do things you wouldn’t do otherwise?

XYZ: Absolutely. I lied to people, I took money from people, I ran up credit cards tens of thousands of dollars, and really put my family in serious jeopardy at that time. But buprenorphine took away that whole obsessive-compulsive need for pills, made me feel better, and took away all the withdrawal symptoms at the same time. I didn’t worry about it.
To be honest, I was such a hypochondriac before. I haven’t been sick in years now. I haven’t had a backache or headache that ibuprofen didn’t cure [since starting recovery]. I was fortunate it was all in my head. I would milk any little thing. I had two knee operations that probably could have been healed through physical therapy, but I was all for surgery, because I knew I’d get pain pills.

JB: That’s the power of addiction!

XYZ: Yes. Finally I did some research about buprenorphine, online. Actually, I had some good family members, who did some research and brought it to me, because they were concerned for me, and they brought it to me and said, “Hey, there’s a medicine that can help. Call this number,” and I found places out there that would do it [meaning Suboxone], but my concern was the speed that a lot of them were doing it. A lot of them said, OK come in, and we can evaluate you, and after a week you’ll be down to this, and after a month you’ll be down to this.

This was in 2005. And when I asked them what their success rate is, it wasn’t very high. It was something like twenty percent of the people who were doing it [succeeded]. So when I’d finally gotten a hold of “X,” [receptionist for Dr. H], she saved my life over the phone. Because she said, you can come tomorrow, and she said that whatever it takes, they’ll work with you. And I felt good about going to a place where it wasn’t already determined how long it would take. Because I already knew how I was feeling after I would come off of opiates. I didn’t want to do that again.

I saw Dr. H. and felt better within twenty-four hours, although it took a little while to get the dosage right. I think we started off at a lower dose, then we went up on the dose and it kept me so level. I had no symptoms. It cured my worst withdrawal symptoms, my stomach and my bowels.

There’s always a kind of stigma in the rooms [12-step recovery meetings] because I’d been in NA for a little bit of time then [he’s speaking of stigma against medication-assisted treatment]. You realize who [among addicts in NA] is die-hard, one way to do recovery, and who is willing to be educated about some things and understand that there’s more than one way to skin a cat.
And I was fortunate that I had a sponsor at that time, and still do, who was willing to learn about what exactly it was, and not make me feel guilty about it. It wasn’t necessarily the way he would do it, but he was a cocaine addict, so he didn’t understand that whole part of it.

He said, “Your family’s involved, you’ve got a doctor that’s involved, your doctor knows your history. If all these people, who are intelligent, think this is an OK thing, then who am I to say it’s not going to work?” He was open-minded. And there are not a lot of people I would trust right off the bat [in recovery], that I would tell them. [that he’s taking Suboxone]. I’ve shared it with some people who’ve had a similar problem, and told them, here’s something that might help you. I always preface it with, [don’t do] one thing or another, you’ve got to do them together. You have to have a recovery program and take this medicine, because together it will work. Look at me. I’m a pretty good success story.

One of my best friends in Florida called me, and I got him to go see a doctor down there, and he’s doing well now. He’s been on it almost eleven months now and no relapses.

To me, it takes away the whole mental part of it, because you don’t feel bad. For me, it was the feeling bad that drove me back to taking something [opioids] again. Obviously, when you’re physically feeling bad, you’re mentally feeling bad, too. It makes you depressed, and all of that, so you avoid doing fun things, because you don’t feel good.

Once I trained myself with NA, how to get that portion of my life together, to use those tools, not having any kind of physical problems made it that much easier to not obsess.

JB: So, how has your life improved, as a result of being on buprenorphine?

XYZ: Well, the most important thing for me is that I’ve regained the trust of my family. I was the best liar and manipulator there was. I’d like to think of myself as a pretty ethical and honest person, in every aspect of my life, other than when it came to taking pills.

JB: So, you regained the trust of your family, felt physically better…

XYZ: I gained my life back! Fortunately, I had enough of a brain left to know it had to stop. Once I started on buprenorphine, it gave me back sixteen hours a day that I was wasting. That’s when I decided I really don’t want to jeopardize my recovery, by going out and looking for a job again [he means a job in corporate America, like he had in the past], because I’ve got this thing, this stigma…they’re going to check a reference and I’m screwed. I’m not going to get a job doing what I was doing for the same amount of money.

My brother had enough faith in me that it was worth the risk of starting this business [that he has now] together. My wife and I started on EBay, making and selling [his product], and slowly grew it to the point that, three years later, I’m going to do over two million dollars in sales this year, I’ve got [large company] as a client, I’ve got [large company] as a client, I’m doing stuff locally, in the community now, and can actually give things back to the community.

JB: And you employ people in recovery?

XYZ: Oh, yeah. I employ other recovering addicts I know I can trust. I’ve helped some people out who have been very, very successful and have stayed clean, and I’ve helped some people out who came and went, but at the same time, I gave them a chance. You can only do so much for somebody. They have to kind of want to do it themselves too, right?

JB: Have you ever had any bad experiences in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, as far as being on Suboxone, or do you just not talk to anybody about it?

XYZ: To be honest, I don’t broadcast it, obviously, and the only other people I would talk to about it would be somebody else who was an opioid addict, who was struggling, who was in utter misery. The whole withdrawal process…not only does it take a little while, but all that depression, the body [feels bad]. So I’ve shared with those I’ve known fairly well. I share my experience with them. I won’t necessarily tell people I don’t know well that I’m taking buprenorphine, but I will let them know about the medication. Even though the information is on the internet, a lot of it is contradictory.

It’s been great [speaking of Suboxone] for someone like me, who’s been able to put a life back together in recovery. I’d tell anybody, who’s even considering taking Suboxone, if they’re a true opioid pill addict, (I don’t know about heroin, I haven’t been there), once you get to the right level [meaning dose], it took away all of that withdrawal. And if you combine it with going to meetings, you’ll fix your head at the same time. Really. I didn’t have a job, unemployable, my family was…for a white collar guy, I was about as low as I could go, without being on the street.
Fortunately I came from a family that probably wouldn’t let that happen, at that point, but who knows, down the road… I had gotten to my low. And that’s about it, that’s about as much as I could have taken.

It [Suboxone] truly and honestly gave me my entire life back, because it took that away.

JB: What do you say to treatment centers that say, if you’re still taking methadone or Suboxone, you’re not in “real” recovery? What would you say to those people?

XYZ: To me, I look at taking Suboxone like I look at taking high blood pressure medicine, OK? It’s not mind altering, it’s not giving me a buzz, it’s not making…it’s simply fixing something I broke in my body, by abusing the hell out of it, by taking all those pain pills.

I know it’s hard for an average person, who thinks about addicts, “You did it to yourself, too bad, you shouldn’t have done that in the first place,” to be open minded. But you would think the treatment centers, by now, have seen enough damage that people have done to themselves to say, “Here’s something that we have proof that works…..”

I function normally. I get up early in the morning. I have a relationship with my wife now, after all of this, and she trusts me again. Financially, I’ve fixed all my problems, and have gotten better. I have a relationship with my kids. My wife and I were talking about it the other day. If I had to do it all over again, would I do it the way I did it? And the answer is, absolutely yes. As much as it sucked and as bad as it was, I would have still been a nine to five drone out there in corporate America, and never had the chance to do what I do. I go to work…this is dressy for me [indicating that he’s dressed in shorts and a tee shirt]

JB: So life is better now than it was before the addiction?

XYZ: It really is. Tenfold! I’m home for my kids. I wouldn’t have had the courage to have left a hundred thousand dollar a year job to start up my own business. I had to do something. Fortunately, I was feeling good enough because of it [Suboxone], to work really hard at it, like I would have if I started it as a kid. At forty years old, to go out and do something like that…

JB: Like a second career.

XYZ: It’s almost like two lives for me. And if you’re happy, nothing else matters. I would have been a miserable, full time manager, out there working for other people and reaping the benefits for them and getting my little paycheck every week and traveling, and not seeing my wife and kids, and not living as well as I do now.

I joke, and say that I work part time now, because when I don’t want to work, I don’t have to work. And when I want to work, I do work. And there are weeks that I do a lot. But then, on Saturday, we’re going to the beach. I rented a beach house Monday through Saturday, with just me and my wife and our two kids. I can spend all my time with them. I could never have taken a vacation with them like that before.

JB: Do you have anything you’d like to tell the people who make drug addiction treatment policy decisions in this nation? Anything you want them to know?

XYZ: I think it’s a really good thing they increased the amount of patients you [meaning doctors prescribing Suboxone] can take on. I’d tell the people who make the laws to find out from the doctors…how did you come up with the one hundred patient limit? What should that number be? And get it to that number, so it could help more people. And if there’s a way to get it cheaper, because the average person can’t afford it.

The main thing I’d tell them is I know it works. I’m pretty proud of what I’ve achieved. And I wouldn’t have been able to do that, had I not had the help of Suboxone. It took me a little while to get over thinking it was a crutch. But at this point, knowing that I’ve got everybody in my corner, they’re understanding what’s going on…it’s a non-issue. It’s like I said, it’s like getting up and taking a high blood pressure medicine.

I originally interviewed this patient in 2009, for a book that I wrote. Since that time, he and his family have moved to the west coast, but I’ve stayed in contact with him. He’s been in relapse-free recovery for over eight years, he’s still on Suboxone, and still happy. He has excellent relationships with his wife and children, and his business has thrived and continues to grow.

He’s an excellent example of how a recovering addict’s life can change with the right treatment. For this person, Suboxone plus 12-step recovery worked great.